When will the century end

There are people going to celebrate the end of the century with a party on 31/12/1999 and others on 31/12/2000. Which is correct?

Probably a lot are going to parties on both! In fact any period of 100 years is a century. 1897 to 1996 is a century, and a new century starts on the 1st of January every year. Similarly 1997 to 2996 is a new millennium. But these are not useful, and people have named some decades, centuries and millennia. Strangely, they have named the centuries and millennia differently from the decades.

Despite changes in the past our calendar is now calculated from a specific date when something may [or may not have happened]. That date is the 1st of January, year 1: there was no year nought! So the "first" century was years 1 to 100, the second 101 to 200, ... the twentieth century is 1901 to 2000 and the twenty-first century will be 2001 to 2100. Similarly the first millennium was 1 to 1000, the second is 1001 to 2000, and the third will be 2001 to 3000.

However, decades are different. We refer to the nineties [short for nineteen-nineties]: these are 1990 to 1999. If we used the equivalent names to centuries, then we would call the current decade the "two hundredth" decade, which is 1991 to 2000. Remember, there was no year nought.

If we called the century the nineteen hundreds then it would end on 31/12/1999: but we don't, and the twentieth century and the second millennium end on 31/12/2000. Have fun at both your parties!

Microsoft Contraceptive 98

Microsoft Contraceptive 98

Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.

The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of life.

The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client / Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector.

Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.

While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.

Operation

Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, "It is now safe to turn off your partner."

Drawbacks

Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.

Conclusion

Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera (Peepy Cam). Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98's potential. He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help our customers do to each other what we've been doing to them for years."

Laws of Computer Programming

Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.

If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.

Any program will expand to fill any available memory.

The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.

Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer to maintain it.

Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.

Bradley's Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee - that will do them in.

Weinberg's Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Hoare's Law of Large Programs: Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out.

Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

Male and Female Showering Habits

Shower like a woman...

Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about getting fat.

Get in shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamprey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamprey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

Condition hair with cucumber and lamprey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.

Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it's all come off.

Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of small African country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

Check entire body for remotest sign of spots. Attack with nails and or tweezers (if you can find them).

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend hour and a half getting dressed.

Shower like a man...

Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at her while shouting "Way Hey!!"

Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly physique.

Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch bollocks and smell fingers for one last whiff.

Get in shower.

Don't bother to look for wash cloth, don't need one.

Wash face.

Wash armpits.

Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower.

Wash bollocks and the surrounding area.

Wash arse, leaving hair on soap.

Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner.

Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror.

Piss in shower.

Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole shower time.

Partially dry off.

Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size of knob again.

Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.

Leave bathroom light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go "Yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her.

Put on yesterday's clothes.

Top 10 signs your partner needs a vacation

1) He keeps handcuffing himself by accident.

2) He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested.

3) He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.

4) He talks to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop."

5) He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.

6) He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.

7) He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.

8) The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids.

9) Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.

10) He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.

Horoscope Test

If you are honest this tells the truth - it's pretty good.

Write your answers on a piece of paper. No cheating

The answers are at the bottom of this page.

1. Write the name of a person of the opposite sex.

2. Which is your favorite color out of red, black, blue, green, yellow?

3. Your first initial?

4. Your month of birth?

5. Which color do you like more, black or white?

6. Name of a person of the same sex as yours.

7. Your favorite number?

8. Do you like Sydney or Brisbane more?

9. Do you like a lake or the ocean more?

10. Write down a wish (a realistic one).


When you're done, scroll down. (Don't cheat)
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Answers ....

1. You are completely in love with this person.

2. If you choose:

Red - You are alert and your life is full of love.

Black - you are conservative and aggressive.

Green - your soul is relaxed and you are laid back

Blue - you are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love.

Yellow- you are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.

3. If your initial is:

A-K You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.

L-R You try to enjoy your life to the maximum and your love life is soon to blossom.

S-Z You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.

4. If you were born in:

Jan-Mar: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.

April-June: You will have a strong love relationship that will not last long but the memories will last forever.

July-Sep: You will have a great year and will experience a major life-changing experience for the good.

Oct-Dec: Your love life will not be too great, but eventually you will find your soul mate.....

5. If you chose.....

Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.

White: You will have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.

6. This person is your best friend

7. This is how many close friends you have in your lifetime.

8. If you chose:

Sydney: You like adventure.

Brisbane: You are a laid back person.

9. If you chose:

Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your love and are very reserved.

Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.

10. This wish will come true only if you send this to five people in one hour. Send it to ten people, and it will come true before your next birthday!

Mind Reader

Please take this test mentally.
Dont write anything down, and dont say any answers out loud.

1) Pick a number from 2-9.It can be 2, 9 or anything inbetween.
2) Take that number, and multiply it by 9.
3) That should give you a two digit number. Take those two digits and add them together
4) Take the resulting number and subtract 5 from it
5) Take that number and correspond it to the alphabet, numbering the letters A=1,B=2,C=3 and so on...

6) Take your letter, and think of a country that begins with that letter
7) Take the last letter in the name of that country, and think of an animal that starts with this letter
8) Now, take the last letter in the name of that animal, and think of a color that starts with this letter

Oh, and just one last thing...

There are no ORANGE KANGAROOS in DENMARK!!